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Armed
and Dangerous
The 1999 Communications
Decency Act was a lot more liberal than its predecessor of a couple
of years ago. It did allow for wiretapping, but it was put to much
better use.
We approached in stealth
under the cover of darkness. We stopped down the block to discharge
several of our passengers. Halfway to the target house we cut the
engine, turned off the lights and coasted to a stop.
Silently, we disembarked
from the vehicle. With a hand signal, I dispatched two of my comrades
to each corner of the building in the front. I waited out front.
Two clicks in my earpiece let me know that the team in back was
in place.
I raised the bullhorn
to my mouth. "This is the ATF (that's American telecommunications
Force). You are in violation of section 32A, subparagraph iii of
the CDA. Shut down your computers at once and come out with your
hands up."
"We have the place surrounded.
All inbound and outbound packets have been stopped. Email is impossible.
Give yourself up."
We heard scurrying inside.
Someone shouted an obscenity, "You dirty copper, you'll never take
our files intact!"
Oh my GOD! They were
destroying the evidence. I barked into my radio. "All teams in NOW!"
Two of my men came up
with a battering ram and smashed the front door into the hallway
with a single stroke. I heard the rear door give way at the same
time. Agents rushed in from every window and door with remote mouses
drawn. I personally caught the ringleader in mid CTRL-ALT-DELETE.
"Hands up, you scum." I ordered.
In a matter of moments
it was over. The biggest SPAM-bust in history.
The agent in the van
called for backup as soon as he saw us rush in. There was no need
for secrecy now. Cop cars with flashing lights filled the street.
We marched the prisoners
out into the now crowded street. The mob, upon learning the facts,
were out for blood. "Dirty SPAMMERS!" they yelled. We had a near-riot
on our hands. So in accordance with provision 56B, subparagraph
iv (amended), we dispensed with a little vigilante justice.
"You know the ruling."
I admonished my stunned captives. "One spank for every file in every
newsgroup. Given what we've scanned off your computer in the last
week alone, we have enough on you to paddle all five of your behinds
continuously for the next 40 years."
"Now if you're willing
to turn yourselves over to your neighbors here for daily spankings,
we can cut a deal. I'll keep the evidence, and this will never come
to court. You, however, will have your disks confiscated, and will
be restricted to posting in alt.quilting.fractals."
The crowd lined up.
We appointed one matronly lady as the overseer to schedule the punishments
and make sure that they were carried out.
Another night's work
done. It's a dirty job, but someone has to do it. The world must
be made safe for spankos.
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