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How can you tell if a woman is dominant?
Hey, thanks for writing back...I wanted to know what advice you
would have on how I would find out if a woman that i was dating
(or potentially going to date), is interested in female domination...It
sounds dumb, I know, i just want to make sure I don't offend her,
or make a complete idiot of myself.
Trying to Tell
Dear Trying to Tell:
If you are wanting to know how to find a dominant woman or identify
dominant women, there are a few quick solutions:
One easy solution to trying to find a dominant woman is to visit
local S&M groups, clubs or organizations where dominant women
For some, though, this is not an option. In those cases, the submissive
men must look in normal everyday walks of life, and are left trying
to identify what women in a crowded room might be femdoms. After
all, we (dominant women) don't wear tags that say "IN THE MOOD
TO WHIP". Sometimes men try to pick out dominant women by their
attire or demeanor -- a woman in some nice leather boots or a short
leather skirt, or a woman who comes off as a bit on the bitchy side.
Sadly, many men find out, after dating these women for some time,
that they are in fact totally submissive in the bedroom. Sometimes
men even marry these women, hoping that the dommish "edge"
they thought they recognized would eventually blossom into full-blown
domina -- and it never does.
There are two kinds of women that fit into the category that you
seek, I believe. The first is a full fledged, totally self admitted
dominant woman -- I'd put myself in that category. I enjoy my good
dose of S&M once a week or more, I have a closet full of evil
toys and implements and I thoroughly enjoy erotic power exchange
on a regular basis, and it is a requirement in my relationships
with men. The second kind of woman you are probably seeking is a
dom-curious woman, or a woman that has never been exposed to it,
but would take to it if she were. In short, a woman that will not
slam the door in your face when you bring it up, or go "What
are you, a freak?".
Identifying the first type of woman (the type that I am, the full
fledged femdom) is easy. The answer is simple: if she is attracted
to you, she will let you know. She will be the one to say, "Are
you into S&M at all? Have you ever been tied up?".
However, it sounds like you want a faster solution. You want to
be able to pick out the femdoms so you can pursue them as partners,
and you want to be able to ask them right up front if they are into
it so you can know for sure. As much as that sounds like a great
way to do it, it just doesn't really work that way. Sure, you can
eliminate costly dating and wondering by just asking a woman in
the first five minutes, "I see you are wearing some very night
leather boots. I hope I am not being too forward, but are you into
The problem with this approach is twofold. First, if she is a dominant
woman, you may be giving her a bad first impression -- that you
are looking for a femdom, and are hoping she'll slip into that category
for you. That is, you are looking for the femdom first, not the
woman. If it's the first thing you notice, some women may be put
off by it.
The second problem is that you may alienate her, even if she is
the type that COULD warm up to bondage and S&M if introduced
to it in a slightly different manner -- ie, after dating and getting
to know someone.
Take a vanilla guy for example. Take a vanilla guy who loves blowjobs
more than anything, and it is his favorite type of sex, and he cannot
live without it. There are some women out there that hate giving
oral sex (I have no idea why, but that's another story). Even though
he knows it's a valuable (critical, a deal breaker to be honest)
part of his sexual needs, he can't feasibly eliminate the discovery
process with a woman by asking early in the flirtation stages, "So,
how do you feel about blowjobs?"
In the real world, you have to get to know a woman before you can
find out about her sexuality, pure and simple. Luckily, we do live
in a time where it's common to be open and frank about sexual matters
fairly early on in relationships, as we have the need to discuss
safe sex and past partners.
I strongly discourage men from trying to peg femdoms by looks,
attitude and clothing. I also strongly discourage asking pointed
questions before developing a mutually engaging flirtation, or going
on a few dates. I think it's reasonable to expect that as you get
to know someone, you can bridge the question early enough to not
result in heartache because you've totally bonded only to find out
she'd never even consider doing anything kinky.
Now, for the good news.
I can tell you this: It is VERY possible to develop the ability
to identify women who are either into dominance or open to it. In
short, you will find yourself having better intuition, and ending
up with women who take to dominance. The trick, though, is to learn
how to attract these type of women.
I have met several men in the past few years who had successfully
courted and dated not one -- not two -- but three or more "dom-curious"
women -- and they didn't meet them through ads, S&M clubs, BDSM
parties or anything. They met them in normal social situations.
What is the common theme between these men? What are the traits
they possess which make it all possible? I'll share them, and encourage
single men who are looking for femdoms to adopt them.
The biggest common theme among these men is that they admit they
"learned" to identify what kind of women would be open
to it. But it wasn't because of the way a woman looked or acted,
it was just a "gut feeling". Perhaps it is an intuition
that is developed.
The other common threads are:
1. They were socially outgoing, self confident and didn't have
much fear. I think this is important because it takes some level
of comfort and guts to not only identify but to APPROACH and PURSUE
a woman they feel may be "open" to S&M -- rather than
sit back and wait to see if she contacts him.
2. They were extremely educated -- I am not sure if this is a common
theme or just a coincidence, but they all had multiple degrees.
3. They were good at dating. They had very honed social skills
when it came to women and had refined "dating" skills.
I think this may come from just having a lot of experience.
4. They were in touch with their feminine side or at least had
a very keen understanding of women and how the female mind works.
Again, this may come from just spending a lot of time dating and
being with women. I think by understanding women better, they perhaps
are able to subconsciously understand subtle personality traits
that may be akin to dominance.
5. They were very good lovers. Good in bed, good sensualists, very
experienced and not at all insecure about their capabilities in
bed. I think this also may be related to experience -- and I think
that perhaps sexually comfortable/competent men attract women who
are also of that type -- hence, probably more open to alternative
6. You would never, in a million years, pinpoint them as being
submissive if you just met them. They are not meek, shy, timid or
at all softspoken -- but not loud and obnoxious either. Again, I
think that women who are of the same social type are naturally attracted
to them (and vice versa), and perhaps that points to their higher
level of social intersecting with "femdom" type women.
7. They were "out" as kinky to close friends and sometimes
family. I think this demonstrates a level of comfort with their
"sub" side on the one hand, and secondly also increases
their social networking circle to include women a friend may meet,
hear she's kinda kinky and say "Hey my friend Joe is kind of
into that. You should hook up with him." It also demonstrates
they don't have ambivalence or uncertainty about their sexuality.
8. They weren't looking for 24/7, lifestyle domination or even
"always power games in the bedroom" -- they were looking
for regular, sincere domination from a woman who got off on it and
loved the power and let it add spice to their lovemaking. It wasn't
something they would give up, but it wasn't the ruling factor in
the bedroom, either. It was a very regular, integrated part of their
9. A key component to what they seek was "The woman MUST enjoy
it"; secondary (if present at all) was any fetish or specific
10. The common theme in "how did you bring it up to the vaniilla
woman you were dating" was something along the lines of "When
I let her know I was into S&M, she wasn't offended, shocked
or all that surprised, and was kind of intrigued by it."
See any common themes? I think "women" that are "open"
to power games in bed are women who are generally more aggressive,
outgoing, sexually very adept and comfortable. As a result, they
seek men that are the same -- and would not initially be attracted
to the shy, quiet guy -- or the guy that doesn't really have an
understanding of women, dating, or human sexuality. They are open
to a wide variety of sexual "games" and adventures, and
often take to domination because it gives them the ability to explore
fun, kinky things with a man they trust and a man that makes them
feel very good in bed.
While women fully self-identified as "femdoms" have a
better understanding of the wide variety of dynamics in sub men
(ie, that some may be shy, some may be a little less experienced
if they have waited to date because they sought dominance), your
average "vanilla" woman with "good kink potential"
probably is more likely to orient herself toward men that express
typical values and styles that women, statistically, are drawn to---
drive, success, self confidence, strength and initiative.
That's what I have witnessed in my own personal experiences. I
can tell you, the sub men that I have dated who said "You are
the first femdom I have met that I didn't introduce it to"
all had the above qualities, but also admitted to having very little
trouble finding women to grow with and explore with, and had some
very longlasting, kinky relationships as a result.
Best of luck,