So He Asked You to Dominate Him

Female Domination
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He says he wants me to dominate him!

What do I do? Is he some sort of a pervert?

What do you do when your partner comes up to you and says that he wants you to take a dominant role in your relationship? The first thing to do is nothing. Chances are you are in shock. You can't believe what you just heard and your mind is conjuring up all kinds of pictures featuring black leather, handcuffs, whips and chains.


Consider what just happened. Your partner loves and trusts you so much that he has just made what is probably his most vulnerable secret known to you. He needed a lot of courage to make the words come out of his mouth.

You are under no obligation to answer on the spot. In the end, you have the power to decide how to progress in the relationship. Tell him you want time to think about it, but don't make the decision alone. When you feel you are ready, tell him that you want to talk with him.

Ask him what it is he thinks he wants. Keep your mind open to understanding. Communicating is essential to any relationship, particularly in a relationship where one partner his placing his power in the hands of the other. Listen with an open ear. You do not have to agree with what he's asking; you just have to understand what it is he is asking. Let him tell his story (he may even refer to it as his confession), and then make sure you express your concerns. If you are afraid, tell him! The important thing is that you understand what it really is he is asking you to do.

That's the problem with the topic of female domination. There is no clear definition of what female domination is, and most people have a misconception. Most of those who think they know what it is got their impression from fetish magazines and Hollywood. Fetish magazines and Hollywood are in the business of making money, not providing accurate information. They cater to the bizarre and outlandish for the sake of sales.

Generally these sources present the extreme end of the spectrum. Yes, there are players out there who enjoy the dungeon scene but not one of them does EVERYTHING Hollywood suggests. Most people who enjoy playing at dominance and submission (D/S) do so part time, and at much lower intensity. Besides, unless you are already in this kind of a relationship, starting at the top isn't a good idea.

If you look at the fringes, D/S play is threatening, and may rub against your moral fiber. If this is what your partner wants, then you may have trouble accepting his offer. Most likely, he wants something a lot milder, something that really isn't much more than an extension of other ways in which he shows his love for you.

At its mildest, female domination may be no more than your initiating lovemaking. All he may want is for you to take charge of the action from time to time. Lead him by his tie into the bedroom and make him stand there as you undress him. Maybe as a variation, you may ask him to strip for you. If you're really daring, ask him to put on a show. He's going to get undressed anyway, but the difference is that now he is doing it at your command.

There, that wasn't too kinky, was it? Yet some men find this kind of treatment very erotic. There is something very stimulating about the way men feel when they are naked and their partner is fully clothed.

Maybe this is as far as you want to take it. Fine! The next step may never come, or it may come in weeks or months. Feel free to experiment, but don't make yourself uncomfortable. Remember, you're in control here. The condition of your dominating him is that you proceed at your pace. Of course, he may be the one who asks you to go slow, and you must respect his limits as well.

Where you take it from here is up to the two of you. He may be into bondage. He might have a fetish for rubber or leather and ask you to wear it. You may feel funny slipping into a leather bustier if you've never done it before, or get a case of the giggles tying him up for the first time. Be prepared to laugh. It's OK. Both of you are learning. There is no right or wrong way to do female domination. It's right if you both enjoy it, whatever "it" is.

From the basics you can branch off into many different kinds of "play" using all kinds of "toys." I won't enumerate them here. You can read about them in magazines and on the internet. If your partner has asked you to dominate him, he'll show you where to look!

Beyond reading, you can also attend events called "munches." Munches are nothing more than a group of people whose interest happens to be D/S getting together for eating and conversation, usually in a public place. There is no play involved, and there are no overt acts. You may see some subtle signs like tattoos or collars, but don't expect someone to break out a whip. These are safe environments where people of like mind meet.

Two other good resources are (in my opinon the best femdom board around) and on IRC Undernet #femdom. Both of these places are safe, well-policed so nobody is going to threaten you, and good areas to learn about female domination and the people who practice it. These are NOT play areas, so you won't find the kind of trolls that make most groups ugly.

You may be surprised at how many "normal" people are into D/S. You are not alone in either your interest in or curiosity about D/S.

One thing may want to consider is the benefits of being a dominatrix (whatever that term means to you). Some of the things you can "demand" he do are oral sex when you want it, housekeeping services (make him clean house in the nude, or in a maid's outfit - your choice), massages, cooking a meal and serving your friends (You can tell them he lost a bet.), foot rubs or whatever other pampering you want.

Finally, whatever you do must be safe, sane and consensual. Remember, you love each other. You don't want to hurt or endanger each other. There are whole web sites devoted to safe practices. Explore them or ask your partner to provide you with the research.

The important thing to remember is that your partner came to you with a plea for help. It may be uncomfortable to listen to this plea at first, but don't feel threatened by it. You may never be comfortable with his request, and you may not feel right trying any of the acts he describes, but in the process you have learned some very important things about your partner. It may just improve your relationship in other ways neither of you imagined.

On the other hand, you might just find out that you really like being the dominant partner in the bedroom and enjoy fun, pleasure and love that would never have happened if you didn't listen.

end of female domination, femdom story