he wants me to dominate him!
What do I do? Is he some
sort of a pervert?
What do you do when your
partner comes up to you and says that he wants you to take a dominant
role in your relationship? The first thing to do is nothing. Chances
are you are in shock. You can't believe what you just heard and
your mind is conjuring up all kinds of pictures featuring black
leather, handcuffs, whips and chains.
Consider what just happened.
Your partner loves and trusts you so much that he has just made
what is probably his most vulnerable secret known to you. He needed
a lot of courage to make the words come out of his mouth.
You are under no obligation
to answer on the spot. In the end, you have the power to decide
how to progress in the relationship. Tell him you want time to think
about it, but don't make the decision alone. When you feel you are
ready, tell him that you want to talk with him.
Ask him what it is he
thinks he wants. Keep your mind open to understanding. Communicating
is essential to any relationship, particularly in a relationship
where one partner his placing his power in the hands of the other.
Listen with an open ear. You do not have to agree with what he's
asking; you just have to understand what it is he is asking. Let
him tell his story (he may even refer to it as his confession),
and then make sure you express your concerns. If you are afraid,
tell him! The important thing is that you understand what it really
is he is asking you to do.
That's the problem with
the topic of female domination. There is no clear definition of
what female domination is, and most people have a misconception.
Most of those who think they know what it is got their impression
from fetish magazines and Hollywood. Fetish magazines and Hollywood
are in the business of making money, not providing accurate information.
They cater to the bizarre and outlandish for the sake of sales.
Generally these sources
present the extreme end of the spectrum. Yes, there are players
out there who enjoy the dungeon scene but not one of them does EVERYTHING
Hollywood suggests. Most people who enjoy playing at dominance and
submission (D/S) do so part time, and at much lower intensity. Besides,
unless you are already in this kind of a relationship, starting
at the top isn't a good idea.
If you look at the fringes,
D/S play is threatening, and may rub against your moral fiber. If
this is what your partner wants, then you may have trouble accepting
his offer. Most likely, he wants something a lot milder, something
that really isn't much more than an extension of other ways in which
he shows his love for you.
At its mildest, female
domination may be no more than your initiating lovemaking. All he
may want is for you to take charge of the action from time to time.
Lead him by his tie into the bedroom and make him stand there as
you undress him. Maybe as a variation, you may ask him to strip
for you. If you're really daring, ask him to put on a show. He's
going to get undressed anyway, but the difference is that now he
is doing it at your command.
There, that wasn't too
kinky, was it? Yet some men find this kind of treatment very erotic.
There is something very stimulating about the way men feel when
they are naked and their partner is fully clothed.
Maybe this is as far
as you want to take it. Fine! The next step may never come, or it
may come in weeks or months. Feel free to experiment, but don't
make yourself uncomfortable. Remember, you're in control here. The
condition of your dominating him is that you proceed at your pace.
Of course, he may be the one who asks you to go slow, and you must
respect his limits as well.
Where you take it from
here is up to the two of you. He may be into bondage. He might have
a fetish for rubber or leather and ask you to wear it. You may feel
funny slipping into a leather bustier if you've never done it before,
or get a case of the giggles tying him up for the first time. Be
prepared to laugh. It's OK. Both of you are learning. There is no
right or wrong way to do female domination. It's right if you both
enjoy it, whatever "it" is.
From the basics you can
branch off into many different kinds of "play" using all
kinds of "toys." I won't enumerate them here. You can
read about them in magazines and on the internet. If your partner
has asked you to dominate him, he'll show you where to look!
Beyond reading, you can
also attend events called "munches." Munches are nothing
more than a group of people whose interest happens to be D/S getting
together for eating and conversation, usually in a public place.
There is no play involved, and there are no overt acts. You may
see some subtle signs like tattoos or collars, but don't expect
someone to break out a whip. These are safe environments where people
of like mind meet.
Two other good resources
are www.femdomforum.com (in my opinon the best femdom board around)
and on IRC Undernet #femdom. Both of these places are safe, well-policed
so nobody is going to threaten you, and good areas to learn about
female domination and the people who practice it. These are NOT
play areas, so you won't find the kind of trolls that make most
You may be surprised
at how many "normal" people are into D/S. You are not
alone in either your interest in or curiosity about D/S.
One thing may want to
consider is the benefits of being a dominatrix (whatever that term
means to you). Some of the things you can "demand" he
do are oral sex when you want it, housekeeping services (make him
clean house in the nude, or in a maid's outfit - your choice), massages,
cooking a meal and serving your friends (You can tell them he lost
a bet.), foot rubs or whatever other pampering you want.
Finally, whatever you
do must be safe, sane and consensual. Remember, you love each other.
You don't want to hurt or endanger each other. There are whole web
sites devoted to safe practices. Explore them or ask your partner
to provide you with the research.
The important thing to
remember is that your partner came to you with a plea for help.
It may be uncomfortable to listen to this plea at first, but don't
feel threatened by it. You may never be comfortable with his request,
and you may not feel right trying any of the acts he describes,
but in the process you have learned some very important things about
your partner. It may just improve your relationship in other ways
neither of you imagined.
On the other hand, you
might just find out that you really like being the dominant partner
in the bedroom and enjoy fun, pleasure and love that would never
have happened if you didn't listen.